As I've mentioned multiple times, I do not like my job. At least once a month I go scrolling through job listings looking for the next thing.
I'm also on the 12th and final semester of my 8 semester long CompSci undergraduate degree. I could write a dissertation on how much of this was not entirely my fault and how much of this was caused by systemic inefficiencies in the university, but I'll save you from that whining this time.
No, today I want to complain about burnout.
It's been about a year since I've liked any of my classes. I was thinking that finishing up all the general education requirements would let me get more deeply involved in my studies, especially when it is in subjects I am interested in, but it's had the opposite effect. I'm longing for the days of having my head pushed under the waters of an unfamiliar streams in the river delta of human knowledge. While many of those courses also caused the same pangs of burnout, many of them also served as a nice break from the unending flow of clever ways we've tricked transistors into doing math for us. One of the major reasons is that I'm deeply uninterested in the electives I'm taking.
Ok I lied, I'll do some whining about the systemic issues of the university, as it is necessary to understand the context. My school's CompSci classes fill up in the blink of an eye due to there being a major discrepancy between the number of sections taught and the number of students, with the latter dwarfing the former. There exists a program for students who are the first-generation going to college or are part of a minority group which allows them to get earlier enrollment dates as well as special advising. On paper this sounds great and something I would support, the problem is that my school is majority-minority, even more so in the CompSci classes. While not everyone is part of the program, a large enough portion are, so much that days before I'm even allowed to sign up for classes, they're already filled with a maxed out waitlist. Of course I don't hold any animosity towards the program members, hell most of my friends are in it, but it knocks the wind out of your sails when it feels like your university doesn't want you to graduate.
Last semester, I only had two classes on the first day, requiring me to make a mad dash to any classes that were notoriously, frequently dropped, whether it be for their difficulty or poor quality of professor. That's how I got to sit through the confused ramblings of a geriatric, over indecipherable slides that only served to confuse even relatively basic concepts. The subject matter need not apply, the man could have been teaching a course on the order of the planets and I would have come out less sure of position of Mercury for every lecture I attended (which was not many).
The second class was run by a man that would have made der Fuehrer blush; so enraged by the scourge of grade inflation, that the most dedicated students are lucky to pass with a C, also a total prick. Fortunately I was able to drop him after a couple weeks as I was able to secure a spot in a GPU Accelerated general computing course. This professor was decent, with reasonable homework and solid lectures, but the subject-matter was nevertheless difficult. I wanted to avoid the mad scramble again and bugged the advisor's office until I had all my final requirements fulfilled and wouldn't have the mad dash again...
The semester starts a bit earlier for work, we're on our fourth week, but it's only now is the torrent of tickets starting to trickle. This cohort is rowdier than previous ones and I've had more people screaming at me over the phone than previous semesters. Last week a guy called us and kept shouting about how he felt scammed, that all we did was take his Pell grant and left him with classes he couldn't attend because our software doesn't work. I didn't have anything to tell him, because I know that's exactly how the business worked.
I hated the feeling of leaving work every day hating the company even more than the last. I remembered the feeling all too well, it was exactly like my last few weeks working at the store, the malice and resentment building up before it boiled away with my resignation letter, one I hope to be turning in soon.
So that takes us to last week (5 weeks ago now), the start of my school in phase with a busy period of work. My entire schedule was meant to be online, so at least I wouldn't need to actually get up and go anywhere besides the office in the evening. I read through the syllabus of one of my courses, one that I was told was online and asynchronous, only to find out that I was mistaken, yes it was online, but it was very much synchronous, and right in the middle of my shift. Now it would be one thing if I needed to get into work a little late, I've had to do that a couple times for afternoon classes, but smack dab in the middle of our busiest time of the night wouldn't fly, and even if it did, I didn't provide any notice because I was told it would be asynchronous!! Could I have probably made something work with my boss? Yes, but at this point I was itching for an excuse to leave.
So I asked for my job back at the store.
They were hiring and the manager would have hired me on the spot if it were fully up to him. We left on good terms. I walked out of the store feeling somewhat relieved, once I got the approval from the owners of the store I was going to put in my two weeks and fall back to an old routine, from a time where I was truly happy doing something I felt good about.
As I drove to work, some pangs filled my head:
"You'll need to work weekends"
Ok yeah, that kinda blows not having your 2 days off sync up with the rest of the world, but I'd have my evenings back. No more needing to get home late every evening.
"But what about those weekend trips to go see your girlfriend in Washington"
Oh shit, right, she can't just take time off to sync it up with my schedule and the long weekends where the store is most busy...
"You'll need to buy an Apple computer"
Why?
"You Facetime her on your work laptop all the time and need something for OpenBubbles verification""
Oh right... Well how much would a beat up M1 Mac cost anyway?
"But you're making less money"
Only if I work the same hours!!
"So you want to pick up a job where you have to work more doing a harder task because?"
It's closer to home and so I'll save money by riding my bike, and it's right next to the grocery store so I'd be incentivised to cook more!!
"Sure buddy, you say that every time"
ACCEPTED: ADD FORM FOR CLASS CS XYZ
Oh. So there's no more problem?
Then actual relief went through, not the faux relief I wanted to feel walking out of the store asking for my job back. I knew what it meant. I wasn't leaving.
So now I have it all, the classes I need to graduate, a flexible enough job that I can spend money on things I enjoy and people in my life, everything should be dandy.
But it's not.
I feel stuck in a state of impermanence. Stuck in classes I couldn't care any less about, stuck at a job I actively despise, stuck in a state that no longer feels like home. I want to start packing for Washington, but know that it's too early. I want to start applying to real jobs but know that I don't yet have the degree. I want to learn but I already know the material covered in class.
It's just hard, I'm so ready to take that next leap, I'm 95% of the way there, the finish line is in sight, I just have to wait and keep my head above water.
And I miss my girlfriend a lot. I didn't realize how much those little walks sipping our chai lattes made the days so much more bearable. Bless the telephone, but it's no replacement for having her here.
I regularly check my email, If I don't respond quickly, send me a poke:
jasco.website@pm.me