Published: Wed, 26 Feb 2025 12:21:07 -0800
A few summers ago I had a panic attack. There was no singular cause for it, a few things had been eating away at me, and a minor spat escalated into one of those self-reinforcing spirals of self-hatred. Something deep in my heart told me to go, get out of the house for a couple days until I felt a bit more stable. So that's exactly what I did. I drove deep into the mountains and spent the night under the stars, disconnected from the rest of the world, feeling all the more content by the passing hour. By the time I was ready for bed, I knew I'd be returning to my normal life the next day.
The sun's rays cast a watercolor of amber, red, and gold across the neighboring cliff-face, greeting my new day with its beauty. The cool, crisp air filled my lungs, filling my sleep-deprived body with an unfounded sense of power. I drove back into my life refreshed, my demons all but silenced, as I rounded the crest, letting me see my home, the Sacramento valley, once again. I came out of the excursion with a deeper appreciation for the beauty of day-to-day life.
Two weeks ago, on a mundane Sunday afternoon, I was scrolling through my work's Slack. I stumbled upon an invite for the following weekend to go to Atlanta to run some cabling for the new office. I instinctually started typing out my response of "Sorry, I've got school, can't make it", before I caught myself. Too often have I let that homebody win out. I watched the message change to "As long as I'm back in Sac by noon on Monday, I can come". It almost felt like someone else wrote it; any trip I go on requires a few days of contemplating the details, but there I was pressing send. Within 24 hours, I had a flight booked. Everything came together so quickly it almost didn't feel real.
It had been seven years since last the last time I had flown, and it was the first time as an adult that I was flying on my own. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, but the staff and TSA agents at SMF were nothing but kind, even when I forgot to take off my belt. I took the red-eye flight thinking that I was going to be able to sleep on the plane, boy was that a mistake. Fortunately some bad weather in Atlanta kept my connection grounded for a little over an hour, allowing me to lay down across the aisle of chairs and rest.
I touched down at 10:00 in the morning, and after a quick stop for breakfast at the hotel, we got to work. I was a fetch-boy for most of the first day, Ubering back and forth to Home Depot to pick up the tools we didn't know we needed. This was a great gift, letting me talk to the various drivers, cashiers, and passersby, getting to know the culture of the city. I was enamored by the friendliness of everyone I met.
After we returned to the hotel for the night, I found myself with an unshakable smile. Even though the hours of restless travel and the countless trips back and forth to the new office left me completely exhausted, it made me feel electric. I was filled with a eudaimonic bliss.
The second day, I was left with setting up some access control doors, which was quite rewarding. All those years of messing with building simple circuits with spare wires and salvaged PCBs was finally paying off. My hands made quick work of stripping the cable ends and wiring the system together, though terminating the ethernet runs will always be a little tricky for me.
Before I knew it, it was time to go home. After another delay, I missed my connection and was left to spend the night in the DFW airport. It was cold, but at least it left me with a story, and a deeper gratitude for real beds.
One thing that has stuck with me since I've returned is that lasting appreciation for every day life. Seeing how exciting it can be when you put yourself out there and explore has reignited that inner flame. I feel that drive to go out and seize the day, even if it's only in a minor way.
Last Friday I woke up early and could not return to sleep. But instead of laying in bed, wasting my time in one way or another, I decided to go on a walk. As soon as I felt the warmth of the sun's rays kissing my cheek, I felt my lips curve into that unshakable smile yet again. I greeted everyone who crossed my path with a joyful "Good morning!". With each step, a new painting unveiled itself before me. It was like the whole world had been putting on a symphony this whole time, and I had finally plucked the plugs from my ears to hear it. I was happy. I had found my peace.
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