The log in 2022
Published: Wed, 22 Jan 2025 09:46:54 -0800
I'll take some mushrooms and go for a hike, always the same trail: The Salt Creek loop in Auburn California. On this hike I reflect over all that has changed since the last time I had made it. Some changes are environmental, like the fallen log that I've watched decompose over the past two years.
The log in 2022
Though the changes I try to focus on are personal, changes in goals, views on life, relationships, and my general well being. It amazes me how many there are, but at the core of it all, I'm still me.
The trailhead marker
The trail takes you down long switchbacks, from the grassy, oak-sprinkled meadows, through dense pine forest, past the granite and slate laden bluffs, to the sandy shoreline of the American river. The mushrooms normally start taking effect once I reach the trailhead, allowing the trek downward to mirror the introspective flow of consciousness to the core of what makes me who I am. By the time I reach the river I have found some new realization, one which I ponder for a while as I watch the deluge lap the rocks beneath me. Once I have found my breath and rehydrated, I continue my journey upward, thinking about how this new wisdom I have gleaned will shape the path forward. On the path up, I am greeted by the beauty of the setting sun, casting his watercolors of light across the foothills beside me. I reemerge at the trailhead reborn, the wind at my sails, as I make the trek back to the parking lot.
The setting sun on the foothills
The first time I made the trip it felt like my life was in shambles. I felt lost, having just gotten out of my first romantic relationship and spending my days rotting away in my room, trying to fill the void that was left scrolling through dating apps. On the hike down the canyon I found peace in my surroundings. I felt that childlike feeling of wonder as I examined the blooming eruptions of lichen that covered the stones lining the trail. I felt alive breathing in the cold, damp air that was warmed by my internal flame. For the first time in months I felt content. Although I had not made it out of my depression, that journey was my first step forward.
The next trip was when I found God. Maybe not the God of Abraham, but a spiritual connection with a higher power. I realized the significance of humanity's connection to the natural systems and cycles of the Earth. I gained a deeper appreciation for forgiveness, being freed from the shackles of held grudges and past slights. I felt a kinship with the Earth and all the beings on it.
The last trip was now only a few days ago. I had hoped that this one would bring with it another life-reframing epiphany that would ease my troubles and allow me to make that next step forward. There was no epiphany, but I was able to find some peace. 2024 was a year I made some major mistakes, ones which have been haunting me over the past months. On the journey I was able to accept that I was already moving on the right path. I had tortured myself long enough, now was the time to make changes in my actions and rekindle what was snuffed out. Even if the lasting peace I long for is not immediate, it feels tangible and something I'll be able to reach in time. In many ways it felt like a reaffirmation of the lessons I learned on that first trip, and a reminder of how I was able to overcome my demons before.
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