JASCO

Death



The Death card signals that one major phase in your life is ending, and a new one is going to start. You just need to close one door, so the new one will open. The past needs to be placed behind you, so you can focus your energy on what is ahead of you.

My dog died and I broke up with Maria

Theo was a good dog. Although he was not my first dog, he spent much of the most formative years of my life with me. He accompanied me on so many adventures, sat by my side during some of the hardest moments, and was always put a smile on my face. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

My parents and I got together the night he had to be put down and we buried him the next day. There wasn't a dry eye and even typing it out now I feel the water well up behind mine. It was all so sudden, he was acting like always had, until he stopped eating for a few days, and then on the last day vomited up blood and we knew something was serious. It turns out he had a massive tumor on his spleen. Even if it was operated on, it would only give him a few more weeks at most. He was about twelve years old, and we did our best to give him the best life we could. I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye to him.

When Maria's friend was in town, then next weekend, we did a tarot reading. Tarot readings have always rung true for me. I try not to do a reading unless I have something major on my mind, not liking to play with powers I don't understand unless I have a very good reason. In my spread I got the card of death, a card which implies there is a major change will occur. I do not remember the other cards I got, but I remember one including the phrase "buyer's remorse". Maria and I had been broken up for one night the previous week, I was so sure that that was finally going to be the end, but she promised she would change and we would work through everything. I took her back and it felt like things were going to be ok, but in the back of my mind there was a voice that said I was making a mistake. When I read the two cards I knew exactly what it was telling me: Maria and I's relationship was as good as dead.

Still, I held out hope. Maria is a great girl, and I don't want to drag her (pseudonymous) name through the mud, but there were problems with us. I was scared to make her mad, and she was quick to anger. I held back so much instead of being honest because it felt like it was the right thing to do for her. I should have learned that lesson with my first relationship, but I guess not, as it came to the same fate. As much as I could go on and dissect everything, I just want to focus on the future.

I do feel like there's something I've found again inside me, that sort of spark of inspiration. I feel more motivated to do things, to make plans, to start back up on projects. I finally the made the panel for my window manager update at a reasonable refresh rate, instead of once every 0.1 seconds, after who knows how many years. Still there are times where something feels wrong, or reminds me of the past and that bit of pain creeps in. It doesn't help that we've seen each other a few times since it happened. I have told her I need distance, but she ends up convincing me to talk to her, and I feel bad saying no. It feels weird, the paradigm of our relationship has totally changed but we still interact. I wasn't responding for a few days to create some distance. I also got out of town for a couple days.

My parents had rented an AirBNB in Fort Bragg for a weekend. We really liked the town, very homey but had a lot of things to do. I think they'll be moving up their sometime in the next few years unless something at their current house really changes. They've just had so many issues there and I think they want something a bit more coastal, in terms of weather and sensibilities.

I'm stepping into a new chapter

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